#MyTinderSeries: And then there’s me

I awoke on Sunday morning at 7:07, and couldn’t get back to sleep. I thought, this would probably be a good time to start walking regularly again. Maybe even get a run in there. Then, I remembered I hate running.

Tinder’s making me think crazy things.

Like I’m a morning person that runs. For fun (and health, too). Gross. I’ve chatted with a few decent dudes all of whom don’t sleep, can’t sleep, or sleep like vampires. Evidently, the only decent guys in my age range that are actually single on Tinder have a million jobs, or weird jobs, or have no life outside of their jobs. So, here they are: up at 7 am on a Sunday, being all chatty, and sweet, and witty, and nice.

And something happens during that moment when I’m trying to pull the right thing to say out of a foggy dreamy mess. I start thinking that there’s a possibility I might actually have to meet one of these guys. And then I think about my last manicure, my last pedicure, the last time I got on a treadmill. Yesterday, I was taking photos of underwear for the cover of “Forty-Eight Hours of Bliss”. Today, I’m thinking that I have absolutely no cute underwear in my current size. Forget the underwear, I don’t have date clothes in my size. I must remedy this. This is crucial!

And then, I went back to sleep. Enough not being myself.

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#MyTinderSeries: Unmatching and Judgement

So, I noticed something weird my first couple of days on Tinder. My matches were disappearing. Of course as a newbie–and an old person–I thought it was something wrong with Tinder. Turns out it’s something wrong with me. Guys were unmatching me.

It’s a problem I’ve had for years. Over 40 years, in fact: I’m cute. Not sexy, or hot, or beautiful. Just cute. (For the Big Bang Theory fans, I’m the Bernadette in my group of girlfriends, and even though no one says it because I have such awesome friends, I know it.) I’m also Black and not a size zero. So, there’s that. But then, my photos should give you a clue of that. No need to unmatch because of that.

So, I had a conversation with one of my best guy friends about it.

Me:
I put myself on Tinder this week. I’m a masochist at heart.


Guy Friend:
Stop it. You are amazing just be careful always meet in public people can be crazy

Me:
These people are crazy.
I’m really just doing it for fun and to blog about it.
I don’t expect to meet anyone.

Guy Friend:
I have heard most people are looking to hook up on there

Me:
From what I can tell, yep.
I’ve been unmatched by half the people I matched with.

Guy Friend:
Assholes

Me:
Well if you’re just looking for sex… you like what you like. You know?

Guy Friend:
Yep and that’s not who u want anyway

Me:
No.
But getting laid does take the edge off sometimes.
I’m being silly. I only got 5 good hours of sleep last night.
(then, way later in the convo…)
I want a donut so bad right now. I hate being sleepy.

My take on the unmatch is fourfold:
1) Some of these guys have Tinder Plus and swiped right for every girl, and now their weeding out the ones they probably won’t get to sleep with (or realize they don’t want to sleep with).
2) They accidentally did it–one guy messaged me something, and then he was gone. I didn’t even have time to see the message. I don’t think he knew the power or permanence of the Unmatch. The Unmatch takes everything away, so messaging is a waste.
3) Guys just passing through my search location realized I’m not just a hookup/one-night stand girl.
4) I intimidate them–I’ve done this before IRL, so it’s nothing new. In the beginning, I was messaging “hi” to every guy I matched with, and I think speech actually scared them off. Some guys have not evolved beyond grunts and guttural utterances. I was in the middle of a conversation with a guy, and I asked him a question that required him to think. He unmatched us. I know I’m amazing, so it must be the guy’s hang-up. Even my friend said I was amazing.

The funny thing is, my friend didn’t know it, but I said that I was “amazing” in my profile. But being “amazing” and being “hot” are two different things. And most of these guys seem to want to light themselves on fire. It is “Tinder” after all. Guess I’m not a match. (Ugh. So corny. How is that not attractive? BTW: Isn’t my guy friend awesome?)

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#MyTinderSeries: Deciphering codes (or funny takes on crazy profile stuff)

After a couple of weeks online swiping left and left –I meant right *raised eyebrow*, I think I have an idea on the “Tinder lingo” in profiles and pictures. If you’re thinking about joining Tinder from reading my wonderfully hopeful posts (*snicker*), here are some of my observations (without Google’s help):

  • If a guy is hugged up on a woman in any of his pics and he does not explain who that woman is, that’s his wife/girlfriend. Look for a mentions of/hints at possible polyamory, being a throuple, or just being the other woman.
  • If a guy is “just looking for conversation”, he’s probably hoping that conversation will lead to casual sex. He’s also most likely married or already having casual sex with someone else.
  • Pics of clouds or vapors mean he’s a smoker, and he’s not going to quit for you.
  • If he has 1 pic, and it’s not his face, he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s on Tinder. Especially not his wife or his wife’s friends and co-workers.
  • If his pics are with famous people, his identity can be gleaned through what you know about the famous person.
  • Pictures with kids = the kids (and maybe the kids’ mother) come before you, his life is about his kids, he needs someone to help him with his kids, or any combination of the above.
  • If he has a pic of a motorcycle, he wants you to think he’s cool or a bad boy.
  • If he travels a lot and is looking for friends, he really wants someone local to have sex with.
  • If he’s hiking, lifting weights, ziplining, or says he’s into sports and outdoors = he wants skinny chicks ONLY.
  • If he’s got an American flag prominently in the picture and he’s not military, he’s probably a Trump Supporter.
  • I don’t know what the joke (or not) is about a guy mentioning that he’s tall–I see a lot of guys saying something like “because it seems to matter, I’m tall” like a lot of women have asked him how tall he is– but I’m going to say  that it’s a possible phallic reference. (One that’s not always accurate, btw.)
  • This one’s tricky–if he has a picture of a lawn/grass, he may smoke weed. Or he may have tried to take a selfie in his backyard while creating his profile and screwed it up. In my age range, it’s most likely the latter.

Have fun hunting!

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#MyTinderSeries: The Men of Tinder (or what the heck is this place?)

I am fully aware that Tinder is known as a hook-up app. So I know that the men I match with may not be exactly what I’m looking for (like, single or literate). I know that it’s is not eHarmony or even a Match.com, both of which I have tried. But some days on here, I actually miss the BlackVoices.com chat rooms (which were more than racy after 10:00).

There is a lot of weirdness in the world, and I think a lot of it has found it’s way on Tinder. When has a close up selfie of a guy with his eyes wide and a snarl on his face ever been attractive? What the heck are you trying to do, scare someone into dating you?

I’ve seen several pics like this. One guy looked like a member of Kiss. Another guy was posed with life-sized cutouts of Kiss. But that’s the beginning of the weirdness.

So, there’s the confusing weird. One guy: the first picture was him with a deer. A dead deer. Hanging off the back of his truck. I know I’m in the South, but still. This is supposed to be a dating site. Not finding a buddy with a kickass deerblind site. Finding love over a deer carcass. I just can’t see it.

There’s the oh-yeah-THAT-guy weird. One guy’s profile said he was into football, BDSM, and polyamory. Nice. (Not.) I mean, really? That profile just reminded me of where I was. I’m not at a church picnic or being set up on a blind date by well-meaning friends. I’m going to have to wade through some muck to find what I want.

And then, there’s the reverse-psychology weird lines like “let’s destroy each other,” and “go ahead, swipe right, you’ll never talk to me anyway,” and “I’m all wrong for you. I’m short, and I live with my mother.” Hmm, that last one may be true. I should swipe left, just in case it is.

But there are also some normal guys on Tinder. Those are the ones trying to get you to follow them on IG, or come to a party/event, or have 4 or 5 jobs and a few kids and still think they can make time for you. Um. yeah.

I only need to find one good one. I can do that! Right?

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#MyTinderSeries: Demographics (or, why old people shouldn’t use Tinder)

I’ve been against going on Tinder as soon as I heard about it. The fact that people are just looking at pictures to decide who they want to get to know is disgusting to me. As a woman, I’ve been judged–and passed over –for my looks my whole life. Shocker, I’m not conventionally beautiful. Physically, I’m not what most guys would call a”catch” or what American media and commerce has been shoving down our throats as beautiful. You’re not going to see my body type or curly hair like mine on the cover of Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit edition. Very rarely will you see a woman there with my skin color . I’m not even close to a model. So I thought, I’m not the right look for this.

But, even bigger than that was the age issue. I’ve online dated before, but an app? Sealing the fate of your love life via a series of swipes? That’s something only millennials can comprehend. There aren’t going to be any Gen X-ers on Tinder.

Then I got bored and kind of curious, and I thought, what the heck? Try it out. If no one swipes right, I won’t be any worse for it.  So I made an account.

I thought this would be easy… I wouldn’t have to answer a billion questions, I wouldn’t even need a serious profile. I just need to find my best photo. Turns out, you probably should have a profile on there. At least 2 or 3 sentences of something. Otherwise, your picture really will decide everything.

You also probably need to know what the buttons do. If you can’t swipe, you can use buttons. You can send reactions that are underneath chat windows.  You can report someone for being… whatever the heck they are being. Who knew? I’ve accidentally super liked people, swiped left when I meant to swipe right, swiped right when I was trying to scroll through photos. I sent some guy an explosion of hearts by accident. Just met the guy. That should scare ’em off really quickly. And since I’m not app-savvy and I am a planner/researcher type, I had to find the help and support guide after a while. Took me five minutes. But I found it.

So far, this wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I actually am getting matched (and unmatched… more on that later) and having conversations. Who knew there were other Gen X-ers on Tinder? Actually, there are all kinds of men. Maybe, I’ll actually meet one. Until then, I’m going to try to reserve judgment and have fun…for once.

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Podcasting: Tell Me What you Think?

A friend of mine asked me recently “Why don’t you have a Podcast?” My answer was “I don’t have time for that.” But really, I have no idea why I’m not doing a Podcast. Partly, because it seems like something I would need time and prep and a following for. I mean, doesn’t this blog do that? Maybe not.

So this post is to elicit feedback from all you podcasters and podcast fans out there. Comment below:
1) if you’re a podcaster or a fan
2) Why you like podcasting (or why you like listening)
3) Your favorite podcasts and why (aka an opportunity to shamelessly plug your podcast!)
4) If you’re a podcaster, what made you want to do it.

I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Serial Novel Satisfaction

I love it when a series turns out right! For all those Sookie Stackhouse novel fans, you gotta love Dead Ever After by Charlaine Harris. Great ending to an awesome series! I won’t give it away, but I will say that finally I see true happiness at the end of Sookie’s rainbow! I know that many fans don’t seem to like the ending, not sure why (because I’m not going to read the chatter), but maybe it was because they were on the wrong team?hmm?