#MyTinderSeries: Deciphering codes (or funny takes on crazy profile stuff)

After a couple of weeks online swiping left and left –I meant right *raised eyebrow*, I think I have an idea on the “Tinder lingo” in profiles and pictures. If you’re thinking about joining Tinder from reading my wonderfully hopeful posts (*snicker*), here are some of my observations (without Google’s help):

  • If a guy is hugged up on a woman in any of his pics and he does not explain who that woman is, that’s his wife/girlfriend. Look for a mentions of/hints at possible polyamory, being a throuple, or just being the other woman.
  • If a guy is “just looking for conversation”, he’s probably hoping that conversation will lead to casual sex. He’s also most likely married or already having casual sex with someone else.
  • Pics of clouds or vapors mean he’s a smoker, and he’s not going to quit for you.
  • If he has 1 pic, and it’s not his face, he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s on Tinder. Especially not his wife or his wife’s friends and co-workers.
  • If his pics are with famous people, his identity can be gleaned through what you know about the famous person.
  • Pictures with kids = the kids (and maybe the kids’ mother) come before you, his life is about his kids, he needs someone to help him with his kids, or any combination of the above.
  • If he has a pic of a motorcycle, he wants you to think he’s cool or a bad boy.
  • If he travels a lot and is looking for friends, he really wants someone local to have sex with.
  • If he’s hiking, lifting weights, ziplining, or says he’s into sports and outdoors = he wants skinny chicks ONLY.
  • If he’s got an American flag prominently in the picture and he’s not military, he’s probably a Trump Supporter.
  • I don’t know what the joke (or not) is about a guy mentioning that he’s tall–I see a lot of guys saying something like “because it seems to matter, I’m tall” like a lot of women have asked him how tall he is– but I’m going to say  that it’s a possible phallic reference. (One that’s not always accurate, btw.)
  • This one’s tricky–if he has a picture of a lawn/grass, he may smoke weed. Or he may have tried to take a selfie in his backyard while creating his profile and screwed it up. In my age range, it’s most likely the latter.

Have fun hunting!

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#MyTinderSeries: The Men of Tinder (or what the heck is this place?)

I am fully aware that Tinder is known as a hook-up app. So I know that the men I match with may not be exactly what I’m looking for (like, single or literate). I know that it’s is not eHarmony or even a Match.com, both of which I have tried. But some days on here, I actually miss the BlackVoices.com chat rooms (which were more than racy after 10:00).

There is a lot of weirdness in the world, and I think a lot of it has found it’s way on Tinder. When has a close up selfie of a guy with his eyes wide and a snarl on his face ever been attractive? What the heck are you trying to do, scare someone into dating you?

I’ve seen several pics like this. One guy looked like a member of Kiss. Another guy was posed with life-sized cutouts of Kiss. But that’s the beginning of the weirdness.

So, there’s the confusing weird. One guy: the first picture was him with a deer. A dead deer. Hanging off the back of his truck. I know I’m in the South, but still. This is supposed to be a dating site. Not finding a buddy with a kickass deerblind site. Finding love over a deer carcass. I just can’t see it.

There’s the oh-yeah-THAT-guy weird. One guy’s profile said he was into football, BDSM, and polyamory. Nice. (Not.) I mean, really? That profile just reminded me of where I was. I’m not at a church picnic or being set up on a blind date by well-meaning friends. I’m going to have to wade through some muck to find what I want.

And then, there’s the reverse-psychology weird lines like “let’s destroy each other,” and “go ahead, swipe right, you’ll never talk to me anyway,” and “I’m all wrong for you. I’m short, and I live with my mother.” Hmm, that last one may be true. I should swipe left, just in case it is.

But there are also some normal guys on Tinder. Those are the ones trying to get you to follow them on IG, or come to a party/event, or have 4 or 5 jobs and a few kids and still think they can make time for you. Um. yeah.

I only need to find one good one. I can do that! Right?

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#MyTinderSeries: Demographics (or, why old people shouldn’t use Tinder)

I’ve been against going on Tinder as soon as I heard about it. The fact that people are just looking at pictures to decide who they want to get to know is disgusting to me. As a woman, I’ve been judged–and passed over –for my looks my whole life. Shocker, I’m not conventionally beautiful. Physically, I’m not what most guys would call a”catch” or what American media and commerce has been shoving down our throats as beautiful. You’re not going to see my body type or curly hair like mine on the cover of Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit edition. Very rarely will you see a woman there with my skin color . I’m not even close to a model. So I thought, I’m not the right look for this.

But, even bigger than that was the age issue. I’ve online dated before, but an app? Sealing the fate of your love life via a series of swipes? That’s something only millennials can comprehend. There aren’t going to be any Gen X-ers on Tinder.

Then I got bored and kind of curious, and I thought, what the heck? Try it out. If no one swipes right, I won’t be any worse for it.  So I made an account.

I thought this would be easy… I wouldn’t have to answer a billion questions, I wouldn’t even need a serious profile. I just need to find my best photo. Turns out, you probably should have a profile on there. At least 2 or 3 sentences of something. Otherwise, your picture really will decide everything.

You also probably need to know what the buttons do. If you can’t swipe, you can use buttons. You can send reactions that are underneath chat windows.  You can report someone for being… whatever the heck they are being. Who knew? I’ve accidentally super liked people, swiped left when I meant to swipe right, swiped right when I was trying to scroll through photos. I sent some guy an explosion of hearts by accident. Just met the guy. That should scare ’em off really quickly. And since I’m not app-savvy and I am a planner/researcher type, I had to find the help and support guide after a while. Took me five minutes. But I found it.

So far, this wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I actually am getting matched (and unmatched… more on that later) and having conversations. Who knew there were other Gen X-ers on Tinder? Actually, there are all kinds of men. Maybe, I’ll actually meet one. Until then, I’m going to try to reserve judgment and have fun…for once.

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#MyTinderSeries, a blog about…love?

Recently, it has been made painfully obvious to me that I am a hypocrite. (This might have been a self-revelation, but still.) I read about love–I always have at least 1 romance or WF with romantic elements in my “currently reading” list on Goodreads. I write about love–my first published story was a romance. And I love writing about love: people finding love, people falling in love, people messing up in love. It’s my thing. But I am not in love, at least not right now. (My infatuation with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson doesn’t count, I’m told.) Hasn’t been a priority on my agenda, either. I was told that had to change.

So, I’ve decided to write a series of blog posts about my experience on Tinder, the sort-of newest hot dating app, and everything surrounding this little venture.  Um, sorry no X- ( or even R-rated) stuff here, folks. No name dropping, either–unless I’m given permission. But there will probably be a lot of blunders, a few frustrations, some straight up comedy, and maybe, dare I say…love? Who knows. But it’s sure to be fun. Join me!